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Let’s think about what we know about operant conditioning.Thorndike’s Law of Effect says that when a behavior is followed by pleasant consequences, it’s likely to be repeated, while a behavior followed by unpleasant consequences is not.There may well be 8 million people in New York City, but most of them won’t do, and that’s an awful big haystack to sort through. Don’t tell them to stop being picky or make more of an effort.And Internet dating may actually be a hindrance for some people. Honestly, those things can create so much defiant anger in the single person that it becomes a barrier to looking.(Unless you’re the sister of one of my students, who has had getting coffee with strangers. Add to that the fact that dating is time consuming.

Yet when a single who enjoys being independent (regardless of how much she also wants a partner) wants to find a partner who is more reinforcing than that autonomy says that she’s having trouble finding a good match, the statistics come out. Maybe rather than telling singles they just need to try harder, should try harder to help them.

You were lucky enough to pick someone who ended up being a good (or at least tolerable) match for you.

Whatever revelations came after the “I Do”s were things you could live with.

But these things stick in my craw, because the implicit message is that the single person just needs to try harder.

That is, people who would never dream of telling a depressed person to “just try harder,” to pull herself “up by the bootstraps,” or to “just get over it” have no problems telling single people exactly that when it comes to finding a life partner.

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